Sodom & Gomorrah Re-Interpreted
Originally published at Searching for the Young Soul Rebel. You can comment here or there.
God said, "Fuck, that Sodom is full of wickedness. I'ma blow it up.", and then Abraham (who was God's co-pilot at the time) went, "WHAT?! My cousin lives in Sodom! Would you destroy the good with the bad!?" and God say, "Uh, yeah, that's kinda my thing. But I see you're upset by this, and so I'll said a couple of my angels down to scope the place out. If I can find 50 righteous dudes in the city, I'll spare it."
And Abraham thought to himself, "Uh, shit. Lot's told me about Sodom. Ain't no way these angels are gonna find fifty.", so he said, "Uh, how about, um. One? I can send you to his place, the angels can crash out." And God said, "Dude, this sort of haggling is why your people get a reputation. Twenty." And they haggle like that, until God and Abraham agree that if the angels find five righteous dudes, Sodom won't get nuked. Oh, and the angels will take Lot up on that offer of sleeping on his couch.
So, the angels go to Sodom, and it's worse than L.A. and believe me, L.A. is pretty fucking terrible. They don't find ANYONE who isn't being a dick to someone else; they decide to stop by Lot's house and warn him to get out of town. Lot, being nice, offers them hospitality - they can stay under his roof and eat his food and watch his DVDs for, I think the tradition was, three days or so. Well, the Sodomites noticed these angels going around and taking notes and looking haughty, and a bunch of 'em, men and women, old and young, said "FUCK THAT." and they went to Lot's house.
This MOB of creepy bastards all riot in front of Lot's house, screaming "LET US GANG RAPE THOSE UPPITY BASTARDS. THIS IS OUR CITY AND NO BLUE STATE GOVERNMENT ASSHOLES ARE GOING TO TELL US WHAT TO DO!". And Lot, he went to the window and said, "Um. I offered these guys Hospitality. It would be wicked and wrong to kick 'em out for you to have your way with, and MRS. HAVERSHAM I DON'T THINK THAT IS AN APPROPRIATE GESTURE FOR A WOMAN OF YOUR AGE.", but the Sodomites weren't having it. So, Lot, being a man of the time thinks, "Well, it's not like I offered my DAUGHTERS hospitality... What if?"
So, he sticks his head back out the window and says, "Hey, what if I let you guys savage my virgin daughters. One of 'em ain't even old enough for boobies yet! Would you leave us alone then?" And at this point, Lot's daughters break every "World's Greatest Dad" mug in the house. But the Sodomites have a hair up their ass, and say, "Nah, nah. We've got on our minds on makin' some Nephalim. Send those prissy little God-Botherers out here!"
And then the Angels struck 'em all blind, and called in the air strike.
It's really a lovely story about how the folks in the Middle East have done everything in their power to piss God off at every opportunity since the dawn of time. I mean, it ain't like Old Testament God to give your city and your non-Hebrew people chances. And, of course, Lot and his family fuck up THEIR chance with God not too long after the Apocalypse - with the incest and the drunkeness and the freunleven.
